Friday, 12 March 2010

Some Correspondence:

Dear Minty Puffgoat,

I am interested in obtaining a copy of Modern Dissonance July 1976 issue - Apparently there was a fascinating interview with the reclusive triangle player Horst Fuerhereren. It detailed his life growing up in Ogburg to dwarf parents, his longing to be taken seriuosly on the Triangle club circuit, the heady days playing to sold out railway waiting rooms in Scotland and his eventual decline into mediocrity and appearances on "Ready, Steady Slow", the radio programme for people who struggle to hear quickly.

Let me know if you have it

Philip M Smith

***

Sir,

I find myself somewhat bemused and a not a little offended by your correspondence date 11th March 2010, 13:57. I do not wish to decry a new acquaintance as a practical japester of the sort much in vogue with the lower classes, but I find myself unable to accept any other reason for your extraordinary missive.

Firstly, as any collector of Modern Dissonance will know, there was never a July 1976 issue. This was due to an ill fated attempt in March of that year to rebrand the journal as Modern Assonance magazine. Similarly anyone aware of this sorry incident in Lord Beany's publishing career will know that in October 1976 the magazine reverted to the original name after legal wrangling involving the well know children's character, and property of the ever litigious Milk Marketing Board, Gustav the Assine Ant.

Secondly, as any one with even the most basic knowledge of triangle players of the 1970s will know, Horst Fuerhereren had been drummed out of even the most lax of triangle playing unions after his infamous "going electric" performance at the Newport Pagnell Folk Festival in 1975. His experiments with electric and steam powered triangles rightly caused a fury within the triangle playing community and he is now considered a complete outsider, performing in small scale fusion bands with a pick up band including "Admiral" Barquo Wemslow on spoons and Golden Barry Selmwig on the alpine horn. This sort of nonsense is frankly frowned upon by Associated Mallards and it is of no surprise to us that the trio - under the name "Taste the Wind" - have been recently sponsored by, who else!, the dreaded Milk Marketing Board.

We are however about to issue a part work for the series "Ready Steady Slow", which comes with free iron girders with which you may erect the famous sound trumpet of Dr Jonty Q Vorhelm over the course of the magazine's publication. Once erected, it will provide a handsome feature for any house with which to play again and again cherished episodes of "Ready, Steady, Slow" - including pre-electric Fuerhereren.

Regards,

Minty Puffgoat

***

Don't hold out on me - I see Horts's rival, Mitchell Wanger (The Triangle-Banger) has got to you too. Why oh why can't he excel in the Triangle sphere through sheer persistence and ingratitude? Why must he poison and defile those around him with spurious lies and angry denials? Horst clearly has the most talent I've seen for a long while, and so I implore you to issue this issue to me so that we can settle this issue without further issue. I have friends in spry places you know...

Philip

***

Sir,

Experimentation is all well and good in theory but in practice? I mean who regards such records as Thaddeus Tamquist's "A Hootenanny of the Aeons" anything like as highly as Braden Whiskyfeet's masterful opus "Triangles, Prisms, A Kitten and Lord O'Reilly's Backpack?" I cannot help that such experimenting gadabouts as Fuerhereren, Tamquist, Zak Harare and the Rhubarb Forcer and the Anthony Trollope Blues/ Triangle Marauders seem so willing to disguise musical inability with shock tactics and "experimentation". Wanger, Whiskyfeet and Buster Merryfield's Button Boys are the true home of traditional triangle playing - and long may they do so!

Yours etc,

Minty Puffgoat

***

Dear Minty, the absurdity of your thinking re the triangle music art form offends all but the puniest of minds.I am amazed you can even find the right kind of wax for your moustache in the morning, or that you have ever conversed with the legendary Horst, because frankly Sir, you are to Horst, what acorns are to figs.

I bid you good day.

Philip

(thanks to Phil Smith for this)

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